Tails of a Dragon Called Norbert
by Ms. Lippy
Summary: Norbert according to Norbert.


Hello dear friends, and welcome to my story. I've been reading fanfics for a while now and i thought i should probably write one, so here it is! My first fanfic, but it's not like i've never written anything before so it shouldn't be too excrutiating.

Disclamer: Unfortunatley the lovely norbert does not belong to me but to J.K Rowling. Switch to Napolean mode But I wanna own him real bad!

Tails of a Dragon Called Norbert

Dear Diary,

Oi! Sup yo? I've decided to start keeping a journal. Why? You ask. Because I can. Also, so that many years from now people will be able to sell it for loads of money as I will be quite famous and loved by all the people in the land. Or feared, whichever is quicker. How, you ask, is it possible for a dragon to keep a diary, especially when they don't have opposable thumbs (damn evolution!) and is in a cramped egg with very little elbow room? Dunno really. Don't ask me, I just am. Anywho, been here quite a while. In fact, I'm quite bored. Think I'll leave now.

Bugger.

This is not quite as easy as I'd thought it would be. I've been banging against this bloody shell all day and all I have to show for it is a few measly old cracks. It's been bad enough sitting inside for weeks now, constantly being tossed around like a fizzing whizbee in the hands of a toddler- but you'd think Mother Nature would've at least been kind enough to give us space in these shells. For all she knows, I could be claustrophobic! She could have at least made these shells a little softer. I'm not freaking' Houdini! Though yesterday wasn't half bad, it has been nice n warm in here, makes it very cozy. Actually, it was quite a nice change from the cold pocket of some insane bloke who kept muttering to himself – "master! I have the key to our success"- "good, my servant, now put on the disguise and all will be I order, but first, butt sex, now!" Followed by lots of maniac laughing. Can you say schizophrenic? Ahhh! I finally made a hole, let me out of this accursed prison!

Ow. Have just landed on my bottom in a most ungraceful manner. No worries though, I'm free! No more crazy muttering! Never again shall I need to scratch my bum and not be able to bend that way! Freedom is mine! I can finally carry out my plans to rule the world! All shall bow down to Norbert! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha! Uh- oh, there's a great bunch of people here, they are looking at me kind of funny. I hope they didn't hear what I just said.

Blast, I hate being stared at. There must be something on my face. You would look like this too if you had just spent the last few weeks inside a hollow prison! There's no room for my extensive beauty routine (A/N you'd know all about that, right Liz?) Ugh, now some great bearded oaf is trying to stick his fingers in my face.

"Oh bless him, look, he knows his mummy!" Back! Away I tell you!

The one with the abnormally volumous hair has just said something. I wonder how she gets it to frizz quite so violently. No one's listening to her though because an awfully pale boy was looking in the window. I saw him just before he turned and ran away. Probably back to his mommy, you know I'm a very scary looking creature. Actually, I think I might have maybe made him that pale, you know, frightened him so bad that the color drained from his face and he wet himself? Course, I think something else must've made his hair that light. He must bleach it or something. Ha! I bet he uses muggle products! The kind made for women! I can just see him now, sneaking into the store, looking around every two seconds lest someone recognizes him. Then chatting with the woman chewing gum at the counter, probably comparing hair bleaching notes. Actually, the bushy girl could do with a visit to a muggle beauty store; her hair looks like a huge bear just came and moved in on top of her head (A/N remember the caterpillars Sam!)

Oh dear, now they're all running around because the albino/vampire boy has been scared shitless by me and must've collapsed from fear. Don't pay attention to him, he'll be fine! Look at meeeeeeeeeee! I crave attention! Grrr, maybe if I blow some fire at them they'll pay attention to me.

No such luck. Although the big furry black thing did come and try to have a good sniff at my bottom. Can you imagine? I was just sitting here peacefully, making smoke rings and minding my own business when suddenly I feel this wet, cold, vile thing rummaging around near my bottom. What ever would possess anyone to do that ever? I mean, how positively ungainly! What do you want to smell my bum for? It's not going to be roses for Merlin's sake! Come and introduce yourself like a normal great furry beast! Maybe he's gay. If he is, he does not know proper courting techniques and should go read a Cosmo. It wasn't until the fifth whack with my tail that I finally fended him off. I think the deadly (that's right, I'm deadly!) spikes must've begun to bother him. By that time the noisy people were gone. Said something about a little git and they started describing some quite disturbing hexes, including one that would make one's manhood shrivel to nothing until it eventually fell off and flew away. I would never ever whish that upon anyone. I tell you; whoever is on the end of that must have done something really bad. Anywho, I'm bored now. Think I'll go give that rug a thorough digging through. Looks like it hasn't been ruined in a while.

Kisses,

The lovely dragon Norbert (I have a THE at the beginning of my name! I'm important, pay attention!)

Please Review! I don't care if you thought I sucked major, just review! Let me know if there is anything I can change. Plus 10 million Gw cookies to whoever can guess what my penname is from!


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